Agatha Christie's Jack and the Beanstalk
by Christie Fan
Summary: This is a play I wrote with friends for drama class. We got 100%. Not all of the humour is appropriate for younger people. Agatha Christie makes a cameo appearance-- hence the title!


**Jack and the Beanstalk: with the word **_**"ripper"**_** crossed out right before the word **_**"beanstalk"**_

**Characters:**

Jack _(he has a British accent)_

The Mom _(she also has a British accent, high pitched voice.)_

The Giant _(he's rather queer in the head, if you know what I mean. Does not have a British accent.)_

Agatha Christie _(yes, has a British accent also. He/she has a high pitched voice. The role can be played by either gender.)_

Person/Voice _(does not have a British accent. Must be played by same person.)_

**Prologue**

_[whole cast on stage_

**Agatha Christie: **We would like to thank everyone for coming to our theatre, where we will present Agatha Christie's _"Jack and the Beanstalk: with the word "ripper" crossed out right before the word "beanstalk"_.

**Giant:** _[waving to audience_ Hi, Mom!

**Agatha Christie: **You blithering idiot! Get offstage! The production is about to start!

_[Everyone exits stage, except Agatha Christie and Person_

**Agatha Christie:** Are you excited about the production?

**Person:** Yes, I am. Let's sit down, shall we?

**Agatha Christie:** Yes, let's. _They go offstage. Next lines all spoken from offstage_

**Agatha Christie:** Tea and biscuits, perhaps?

**Person:** No, no thanks. But I hear that tea and biscuits figure prominently in the play.

**Agatha Christie:** Oh, goody!

**Scene I**

_[Mother and Jack onstage_

**Mother:** Jack! Take my cow of a husband, and sell him at the market!

**Jack:** All right, mother, I'll do just that.

**Mother:** And just for some foreshadowing, _do not_ sell him to a wizard with magical beans!

**Jack:** Don't worry, Mother, I'm not quite so stupid as that.

**Mother:** Now off with you!

**Jack:** Quite right, mother. I'll be back for tea time. Ta ta!

**Scene II**

_[Mother and Jack onstage_

**Jack: **Mother! I'm back!

**Mother: **Do you have the food?

**Jack:** No, I've got something much, much better!

**Mother:** Better? It's just a crapload of beans!

**Jack:** MOTHER! First off, there is _no profanity_ in a children's story! And second of all, they're not ordinary beans, they're magical!

**Mother:** I shall cast these beans into the garden

**Jack:** _(as his mother throws them away)_ Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

**Mother:** Now off to bed with you!

**Jack:** But I haven't had my tea and biscuits yet!

**Mother:** Oh, to hell with your tea and biscuits!

**Jack:** All right, mother, I'll make a deal with you—I'll do what you ask, and then we'll have tea and biscuits.

**Mother:** No biscuits!

**Jack:** All right, all right, not the biscuits, but let's have the tea anyways!

**Mother:** All right then. But I have to have a nap first.

**Jack:** Rightey-oh then! We'll do that in the morning. Good night, mother! Cheerio!

**Scene III**

_[Scene begins with Jack onstage_

**Jack:** Oh my Lord! Look at that beanstalk! It grew where mother threw the beans! That thing is _immense_! I wonder how tall it is. I don't think Mother will mind if I leave for a moment._ [he begins to climb_

**Voice 1:** _[offstage; singing _Climbing, climbing, climbing, we're climbing, climbing, climbing… _[stops singing: next line spoken normally_ A few hours later… _[singing resumes_ Climbing, climbing, climbing, we're climbing, climbing, climbing… _[stops singing: next line spoken normally_ A few minutes later… _[singing resumes, only this time, the voice sounds exhausted_ Climbing, climbing, climbing, we're climbing, climbing, climbing… _[singing stops completely_

**Jack:** Oh, my! That was one tall beanstalk. I wouldn't want to fall from here. Oh my LORD! What a HUGE castle! _(knocks on door)_ Hello? Oh, well, the door's open, I might as well go inside. _(he goes inside)_ Hello? Oh my, listen to that echo! _[testing the echo_ Hello? Hello? Hello? _[stops testing echo_ Oh, my Lord, look at that! A golden goose! Wait! What's that noise? _(enter giant)_

**Giant:** A fee, a fi, a fo, a fum, I smell an English bum, and one with a really nice one, too.

**Jack:** Oh, Lord! Run away! _(starts to run, pauses, turns around, next lines spoken very fast)_ Is that tea and biscuits, guvn'r? I haven't had mine yet. _[quickly eats them _Thank you very much. Goodbye then, have a jolly nice day!

**Giant:** Ah, come back here! Come back here! Like, oh, my god, he went down the beanstalk. _(goes down himself)_ Uh-oh. It just, like, cracked. I _knew_ I should've gone on that diet. Mom told me to, but I didn't listen. _[begins fall_ AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

**Voice:** _[offstage _Two hours later…

**Giant:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

**Voice: **_[offstage _A few minutes later…

**Giant:** AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! _[crash_

**Scene IV**

_[Jack and Mother onstage_

**Mother:** Jack! Where were you? I thought you got bloody raped by a bunch of Englishmen!

**Jack:** No, mother. There _was_ a giant, but he didn't rape me.

**Mother:** What kind of giant?

**Jack:** A man, I think. OR maybe a girl? At any rate, he was a trifle bit queer in the head, if you know what I mean. I have slayed the giant!

**Mother:** Let me guess—he was too heavy for the beanstalk.

**Jack: **That's not funny, mother, how did you guess?

**Mother:** Oh, I just did. Lucky guess, perhaps?

**Jack:** So how about that tea and biscuits?

**Scene V**

_[whole cast on stage once more_

**Agatha Christie:** We would like to thank everyone for watching the presentation of Agatha Christie's _"Jack and the Beanstalk: with the word "ripper" crossed out right before the word "beanstalk"_. We invite you here next week, when we will present-- _[interrupted by Person_.

**Person:** Er, Mrs. Christie?

**Agatha Christie:** Yes?

**Person:** I'm afraid we can't afford to do this show anymore. You see, everyone left.

**Agatha Christie:** You mean they just got up and left in the middle of our production?

**Person:** Yes. _[Agatha Christie faints_


End file.
